Okay, so I'm not literally dying. The wife and I started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred seven days ago. we are only only day 6 though, because we need to skip Mondays due to work conflicts, etc. Anyway, we have been doing Level One for six days. We get up at 5:00 am on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays and do it during the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and during the day on Sundays. Needless to say, I am feeling it, and I am exhausted!! We usually get up at 6:00 to get going and get the kid going by 7:00. So we have been losing that extra hour and, since it was Daylight Savings Time this past weekend, it is almost like we are getting up at 4:00 am! (in hindsight, it was not necessarily the best time to incorporate an early morning workout!)
This morning we both felt great when we got up (although I didn't sleep well) and we were raring to go! We did the workout and then got got ready for the day. She comes in with me to work on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for a class, and it's so great to see her for a few minutes. Well, now she is home, and I am waiting for our lunch date time to roll around and I am CRASHING. My back hurts and my eyes are so heavy. But, I am going to stick with it because I am hoping it does what it promises, which is to make me ripped in 30 days!
Jillian Michaels is very tough. And although the workouts are only 20 minutes each, it is a butt-kicker. We are not big girls. My wife is a very healthy weight. I am about 10 pounds overweight for my height. Last year I did Power 90 with Tony Horton and lost enough weight to put me in the healthy category for BMI. Then winter and Christmas came and I went back up almost 10 lbs. I am determined to work it off and keep it off. Exercise has slowly become a part of my routine and I hope to keep it that way! If not always to lose weight, but to feel healthy. I'll let you know how it goes.
Boy, this is a boring post! I promise to come back and be funnier when I'm not feeling so battered!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
The untold TTC story
Okay, I've never mentioned this on my blog before, or to anyone other than my doctor and my wife, but two years ago we tried to conceive. We purchased some frozen swimmers and injected them into my nether regions for two cycles. The first cycle I got a very faint positive, followed by several negatives. It was very early on, but I can't shake the thought that I miscarried. I have blamed myself for this all along. I lifted a heavy water bottle, and some boxes, and I am convinced I made it happen. The second cycle produced nothing.
This whole process, even though it was only two months of trying, was devastating to my marriage. You see, my wife doesn't want kids. We have one, as it states in my profile, but I didn't meet him until he was nine. Okay, so she doesn't want any more kids. And I want one of my own. She tried this with me for me, but I always knew it wasn't what she wanted. And every time my body failed, I felt as though I failed. I cried so much those 2 months. Two months. That's all I tried. So many people out there have been trying for a year, or worse two or more years. I stopped at two months for financial and emotional reasons. I cannot imagine trying for longer than, say 6 months. We stopped because she wasn't ready. She didn't want it. And that tore my heart out in itself. How could she not want a child with me? A lot of time has passed since then. We have now been together 5 years. My eggs aren't getting any younger, and she's still not on board. This is the crazy thing, some days I feel as if I will die if I don't have my own child. I tear up and feel lost and crazy. I wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant and get very caught up in my own head. Other days I feel great that we have just the three of us. That we can drop everything and do whatever we want to.(Not that we really do much). I feel glad I don't have to wake up all hours of the night, or drag through the days exhausted. I keep going back and forth between the two extreme emotions. I don't know what I want or don't want anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my wife. I love her with all of my heart. There is no way I would not want her anymore. But she doesn't want another child. She just doesn't. And she means more to me than anything, so I go along with not trying again. But sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to be heard about it, you know? I don't want her to be pushed away. In every other way we are perfect for one another. This is the only place where we lose each other. She can't see it from my perspective and I can't see it from hers. Most days everything is very wonderful, 99% of the time in fact. And maybe it has gotten less intense for me since she has repeatedly told me she doesn't want it. I just feel so alone in this situation. There are so many blogs out there with lesbians trying to conceive, some succeeding, with both parties fully on board.
I know I don't have a following, but if anyone is out there who has been through this before, please speak up. I need to feel less alone.
This whole process, even though it was only two months of trying, was devastating to my marriage. You see, my wife doesn't want kids. We have one, as it states in my profile, but I didn't meet him until he was nine. Okay, so she doesn't want any more kids. And I want one of my own. She tried this with me for me, but I always knew it wasn't what she wanted. And every time my body failed, I felt as though I failed. I cried so much those 2 months. Two months. That's all I tried. So many people out there have been trying for a year, or worse two or more years. I stopped at two months for financial and emotional reasons. I cannot imagine trying for longer than, say 6 months. We stopped because she wasn't ready. She didn't want it. And that tore my heart out in itself. How could she not want a child with me? A lot of time has passed since then. We have now been together 5 years. My eggs aren't getting any younger, and she's still not on board. This is the crazy thing, some days I feel as if I will die if I don't have my own child. I tear up and feel lost and crazy. I wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant and get very caught up in my own head. Other days I feel great that we have just the three of us. That we can drop everything and do whatever we want to.(Not that we really do much). I feel glad I don't have to wake up all hours of the night, or drag through the days exhausted. I keep going back and forth between the two extreme emotions. I don't know what I want or don't want anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my wife. I love her with all of my heart. There is no way I would not want her anymore. But she doesn't want another child. She just doesn't. And she means more to me than anything, so I go along with not trying again. But sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to be heard about it, you know? I don't want her to be pushed away. In every other way we are perfect for one another. This is the only place where we lose each other. She can't see it from my perspective and I can't see it from hers. Most days everything is very wonderful, 99% of the time in fact. And maybe it has gotten less intense for me since she has repeatedly told me she doesn't want it. I just feel so alone in this situation. There are so many blogs out there with lesbians trying to conceive, some succeeding, with both parties fully on board.
I know I don't have a following, but if anyone is out there who has been through this before, please speak up. I need to feel less alone.
It's hard out there for a blog (or at least mine!)
So, I haven't written in many, many moons. Why? I'm not so sure. Maybe nothing has been going on in my life that I needed to get out. Maybe I have just been lazy. (it's probably the latter)
One big thing on my mind today is the finale of The L Word. Okay, there are so many things I want to say about this show. First and foremost is that over the past 6 years it has been a wonderful way to escape from reality every Sunday night. I mean who wouldn't want to see Bette and Tina make love??:) So many things have happened to these characters over the past 6 seasons, some good, some bad. We have come a long way away from where they started. Jenny used to be likable, Helen used to be mean, Bette was a cheater, and Dana, well, Dana was alive:( I miss Dana so much. She was such a funny addition to the cast, and it was a shame that they killed her off so quickly. I went from being a huge Dana/Lara fan, to a huge Shane fan, to a huge Tibette fan. Alice and Dana were great together too! When I first started watching, it was my own guilty pleasure. I thought for sure my wife wouldn't like it, but I got her hooked and we have shared many a Sunday swooning over, and yelling at, our TV. The L Word has brought so much joy into our lives. Being able to see a representation of yourself on TV was so wonderful and refreshing. I cannot say enough great things about it. Even though I didn't always agree with the paths the writers took, I still tuned in, I couldn't resist. And now we will commence watching every episode, starting with the very first, on Sunday nights to fill our void and have fun reliving the good 'ol days.
But this finale. WTF Ilene??? We spend the whole season waiting to find out who killed Jenny, only to not find out at all! Granted, I had read somewhere that was going to happen, but it was so disappointing when it did! So we are still left to ponder the question, Who killed Jenny? There are only 2 options in my mind:
1) the most logical is that Jenny killed herself. She has been teetering on the edge for so long now, this is the only reasonable explanation in my mind.
and
2) Dana. She came back to exact revenge on the person in the show that was created in her killer's image: Ilene.
I know that none of my beloved characters could have done this horrible crime. To quote Princess Bride: It's inconceivable!!
I will miss you, silly old L Word. Farewell. Don't forget to write.
One big thing on my mind today is the finale of The L Word. Okay, there are so many things I want to say about this show. First and foremost is that over the past 6 years it has been a wonderful way to escape from reality every Sunday night. I mean who wouldn't want to see Bette and Tina make love??:) So many things have happened to these characters over the past 6 seasons, some good, some bad. We have come a long way away from where they started. Jenny used to be likable, Helen used to be mean, Bette was a cheater, and Dana, well, Dana was alive:( I miss Dana so much. She was such a funny addition to the cast, and it was a shame that they killed her off so quickly. I went from being a huge Dana/Lara fan, to a huge Shane fan, to a huge Tibette fan. Alice and Dana were great together too! When I first started watching, it was my own guilty pleasure. I thought for sure my wife wouldn't like it, but I got her hooked and we have shared many a Sunday swooning over, and yelling at, our TV. The L Word has brought so much joy into our lives. Being able to see a representation of yourself on TV was so wonderful and refreshing. I cannot say enough great things about it. Even though I didn't always agree with the paths the writers took, I still tuned in, I couldn't resist. And now we will commence watching every episode, starting with the very first, on Sunday nights to fill our void and have fun reliving the good 'ol days.
But this finale. WTF Ilene??? We spend the whole season waiting to find out who killed Jenny, only to not find out at all! Granted, I had read somewhere that was going to happen, but it was so disappointing when it did! So we are still left to ponder the question, Who killed Jenny? There are only 2 options in my mind:
1) the most logical is that Jenny killed herself. She has been teetering on the edge for so long now, this is the only reasonable explanation in my mind.
and
2) Dana. She came back to exact revenge on the person in the show that was created in her killer's image: Ilene.
I know that none of my beloved characters could have done this horrible crime. To quote Princess Bride: It's inconceivable!!
I will miss you, silly old L Word. Farewell. Don't forget to write.
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