Okay, I've never mentioned this on my blog before, or to anyone other than my doctor and my wife, but two years ago we tried to conceive. We purchased some frozen swimmers and injected them into my nether regions for two cycles. The first cycle I got a very faint positive, followed by several negatives. It was very early on, but I can't shake the thought that I miscarried. I have blamed myself for this all along. I lifted a heavy water bottle, and some boxes, and I am convinced I made it happen. The second cycle produced nothing.
This whole process, even though it was only two months of trying, was devastating to my marriage. You see, my wife doesn't want kids. We have one, as it states in my profile, but I didn't meet him until he was nine. Okay, so she doesn't want any more kids. And I want one of my own. She tried this with me for me, but I always knew it wasn't what she wanted. And every time my body failed, I felt as though I failed. I cried so much those 2 months. Two months. That's all I tried. So many people out there have been trying for a year, or worse two or more years. I stopped at two months for financial and emotional reasons. I cannot imagine trying for longer than, say 6 months. We stopped because she wasn't ready. She didn't want it. And that tore my heart out in itself. How could she not want a child with me? A lot of time has passed since then. We have now been together 5 years. My eggs aren't getting any younger, and she's still not on board. This is the crazy thing, some days I feel as if I will die if I don't have my own child. I tear up and feel lost and crazy. I wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant and get very caught up in my own head. Other days I feel great that we have just the three of us. That we can drop everything and do whatever we want to.(Not that we really do much). I feel glad I don't have to wake up all hours of the night, or drag through the days exhausted. I keep going back and forth between the two extreme emotions. I don't know what I want or don't want anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my wife. I love her with all of my heart. There is no way I would not want her anymore. But she doesn't want another child. She just doesn't. And she means more to me than anything, so I go along with not trying again. But sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to be heard about it, you know? I don't want her to be pushed away. In every other way we are perfect for one another. This is the only place where we lose each other. She can't see it from my perspective and I can't see it from hers. Most days everything is very wonderful, 99% of the time in fact. And maybe it has gotten less intense for me since she has repeatedly told me she doesn't want it. I just feel so alone in this situation. There are so many blogs out there with lesbians trying to conceive, some succeeding, with both parties fully on board.
I know I don't have a following, but if anyone is out there who has been through this before, please speak up. I need to feel less alone.
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2 comments:
First things first. I don't think you can blame yourself for an early loss no matter what you were lifting. It probably had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. Sorry to hear of it though. It's so hard.
I'm sorry you are having this struggle with wanting a child. I have to say that for me, it was a deal breaker if some one I dated didn't want kids. I knew if I was with someone who kept me from realizing that dream, I wouldbe filled with resentment and regrets and that would eventualy destroy us. That is just my selfishness though.
I am rooting for you my dear and I hope you reach a compromise that fills both of your needs. I understand the all consuming crazy that comes with wanting a child all too well.
Thanks for commenting poppycat. I think I just go through stages. When I first met my wife, she had a nine year old son. I never thought to ask if she would like more, I just assumed. Stupid thing on my part. But now that I'm five years in, I am very much in love and content with my wife and our life together. Our love is strong, and for right now, that's got to be enough.
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